Back before life went crazy I had a birth plan. The plan was to have a baby. I didn't care how, I was feeling very open to whatever experience I was going to have. We started our prepared childbirth class with the idea that I would try to go natural and if I couldn't handle the pain I would get and epi. If the Dr told me I needed a c-section I was going to be fine with that. I loved my Dr. and really felt that if she felt that was the way to go I would trust her. I really felt ok with my "plan" and quite frankly even though things went all crazy I think this plan has kept me sane through this process. Even though things have been not optimal (an understatement) I have not had to mourn the loss of my birth plan. I did have to have a c-section, but since I had always put that on the table of possible I was completly fine with it. I was surprisingly calm even though I was really scared about the spinal. I knew I was in the right place, that the Drs made the right decision and that while not a great road it was the only road I could take that would save my life and my daughter's life. If I had to do it all again the only thing I would change is I would have been more specific. I would have edited my plan to include, My plan is to have a full term healthy baby that comes home with Shazam and I when I am discharged.
I guess that is what gives me the most pain and sadness. I am mourning the loss of having our newborn home with us. I mourn this loss so many times a day and night. Every time I have to call the hospital to see how her night was, I mourn this loss. Every time I sit with my pump alone dreaming of the time when I will sit on the couch nursing Ella deep in the night, I mourn this loss. Every time I kiss Ella goodnight and have to leave her at the hospital, I mourn this loss. Every timeI watch the families get wheeled down to the hospital entrance with their baby on their way home as I sit with a diaper bag and no baby waiting for our car, I mourn this loss.
I know that one day it will be Shazam and I with a baby in the car seat going home but after all that has happened between July 8th and now it will just won't be the same...and it makes me sad.