Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I Should Have Been More Specific...

Back before life went crazy I had a birth plan. The plan was to have a baby. I didn't care how, I was feeling very open to whatever experience I was going to have. We started our prepared childbirth class with the idea that I would try to go natural and if I couldn't handle the pain I would get and epi. If the Dr told me I needed a c-section I was going to be fine with that. I loved my Dr. and really felt that if she felt that was the way to go I would trust her. I really felt ok with my "plan" and quite frankly even though things went all crazy I think this plan has kept me sane through this process. Even though things have been not optimal (an understatement) I have not had to mourn the loss of my birth plan. I did have to have a c-section, but since I had always put that on the table of possible I was completly fine with it. I was surprisingly calm even though I was really scared about the spinal. I knew I was in the right place, that the Drs made the right decision and that while not a great road it was the only road I could take that would save my life and my daughter's life. If I had to do it all again the only thing I would change is I would have been more specific. I would have edited my plan to include, My plan is to have a full term healthy baby that comes home with Shazam and I when I am discharged.

I guess that is what gives me the most pain and sadness. I am mourning the loss of having our newborn home with us. I mourn this loss so many times a day and night. Every time I have to call the hospital to see how her night was, I mourn this loss. Every time I sit with my pump alone dreaming of the time when I will sit on the couch nursing Ella deep in the night, I mourn this loss. Every time I kiss Ella goodnight and have to leave her at the hospital, I mourn this loss. Every timeI watch the families get wheeled down to the hospital entrance with their baby on their way home as I sit with a diaper bag and no baby waiting for our car, I mourn this loss.

I know that one day it will be Shazam and I with a baby in the car seat going home but after all that has happened between July 8th and now it will just won't be the same...and it makes me sad.

7 comments:

annacyclopedia said...

That is a huge loss to mourn. Even though there is a lot to be thankful for and you and Ella are safe, you are missing out on a lot.

Wishing you peace and gentleness with yourself as you grieve this loss, and that you find the healing you need.

nutella said...

You are perfectly right to morn that loss. It's a very real. You are very strong and Ella is lucky to have you. You did everything right and both you and she are fine. It's a longer journey home than most moms and babies will experience, but the destination is the same.

Snickollet said...

I know this kind of mourning, and it's so hard, and so real.

I'm sorry, and I can't wait for Ella to be home with you and Shazam.

Craving of Motherhood said...

You are both so strong and when this will pass, she will be in your arms. Hang in there

bluedaisyus said...

I'm so sorry you're not able to have Ella with you right now, and it's totally normal for you to be mourning that. You're an amazing woman, and I'm in awe of you and Shazam and how you're dealing with all of this. Ella is so lucky to have you both as her mommies, and I hope you're able to take her home very soon.

Elise said...

Everyone said all i had been thinking, so i'll just offer up some ((hugs)). It wont always be this way.

Health said...

I wish that life right now were exactly as you wanted it to be. I'm excited for you to get to that point. Stay strong. You're brave beyond words.

-Kate
TheFamilyWay