Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Gulp

(Inhale...exhale...inhale...exhale)

This is me breathing...finally. I'm not sure I did that late Wednesday night through like yesterday and I still have my moments. How I didn't pass out, puke, or hyperventilate I will never know. I've more than once heard my mother say growing up, "You don't get more than you can handle" or something along those lines. Apparently I can handle way more than I thought. It's hard for me to express the outright fear I experienced on Wednesday night/Thursday morning. It's probably out of self-preservation. I can't relive it and I don't wish that upon anyone. There was certainly a moment that I honestly thought I was going to lose Sam and/or our child. I'm not religious by any means but I can't tell you how many prayers I said in my head. I pleaded. I was petrified. I was trying to be strong and encourge SSG to fight. I most certainly got angry thinking "Why is this happening?" To say I am exhausted is an understatement. I'm just so drained but I'm afraid to slow down because I may just crash. People keep telling me to take care of myself but that is easier said than done. I have a strong, amazing wife who is recovering from major surgery (who is currently having a nice nap) and I have this amazing little girl who is fiesty and strong sitting 2 floors below us in the NICU. I am in awe of them both. Truly.

Miss Ella is doing really well for her size and gestational age (would have been 31 weeks yesterday) but SSG and I are realists and know that she may take a few steps forward and a few steps back. She has been off her c-pap and breating on her own since yesterday afternoon which is amazing progress. If she gets too tired she will go back on it but for now the fact that she is barely over 2 pounds and breathing on her own is amazing to me. She is surprizing a lot of people in this hospital. Her heart murmur hasn't been detected lately but this doesn't mean it is completely gone but again it's a good sign. She will get her third course of medication to close the area that causes the murmur at 1:00am and they will go from there.

SSG and I know it's going to be a long haul and insanely hard to not bring our baby home right away. We know it is going to be exhausting to be coming in every day to the city to see her. However we also know that she is in the best place possible and her body needs to do what it needs to do. It needs to continue to develop and grow. We are just taking one day at a time and we are so proud of our little girl.

So as far as SSG goes we just talked to the attending and we are definitely staying the night. She is having a mystery symptom that no one can explain. Her legs and arms shake uncontrollably, like muscle spasms. She is not in pain or having a seizure and they don't seem overly concerned but it's not all that comforting to us. We're just trying to stay calm.

Anyway so that is the report from Boston and we will have more pictures soon!

4 comments:

annacyclopedia said...

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this (probably they have), but it is very common to get the shakes after birth. Usually it is immediately after, but I think it has to do with the birthing mother's hormones coming back into balance. Since you and SSG just went through a very scary birth experience, I would not be surprised if it was at least partly related to that - it is bound to take a bit longer for things to level off.

Of course, I am just some schmo and clearly I'm not a doctor, but wanted to pass on whatever reassurance I could. I'm thinking of you three and sending you much healing energy and my wishes for speedy healing for everyone - emotional and physical. Keep breathing. You're doing good.

Craving of Motherhood said...

Glad to hear you guys are doing well. I love to hear the stories of what a fighter she is! It is amazing how strong they are!!

Snickollet said...

Thanks for the update. Hope the shakes go away soon and that SSG can get home and you two can sleep in your own bed, then get in a routine to visit Ella and get her home, too.

I know what you mean about not being able so slow down b/c of the fear of totally crashing. Hopefully getting out of the hospital and back home will help everyone relax.

Don't forget to eat! I wish I could bring you a meal.

alimis said...

I am glad to here that you all are doing well. Ella is quite the cutie! Also, LOVE the name
(Oddly enough, Ella Grace is also the name we have picked out for a girl)
I hope that you all continue to stay strong.