Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Whole Story


This is a picture of me holding Little E for the first time. I think I have shared this picture before. It was the day after she was born. Take away the CPAP helping her breath and the IVs and you have the typical picture of a new mom the day after the birth of her baby, so so tired but so so very happy. I have told you the facts of her birth. Her very low birth weight, her respiratory distress, her problems keeping her heart rate and respiration rate up, her pda, her reflux, her blood transfusions. Oddly, through it all I have felt this need to protect my readers. While I was honest with you about what was happening with Little E in the last 16 months I never really told the real story.
So here is a piece of the real story.
This is the picture Shazam took before the smiling one. This is the real story of when I first held Little E. The real story is that I was terrified to hold her, I was afraid of her, of hurting her, of disconnecting her tubes and wires, I was afraid she would die in my arms. The real story is that it took two nurses to position Little E in my arms. The real story is that I cried the entire time I held her. The real story is that Shazam wiped my tears away and I smiled for a moment as the picture was taken. That smile told only part of the story, I was so so happy, but that is not the whole story because really I was more sad than anything else. After the shutter closed the tears began to flow again. It was weeks before I didn't shake before holding Little E and months before I didn't fear Little E dying in my arms.
Today I share this story because it is Prematurity Awareness Day. 1 in 8 babies are born too soon. Which means that my story it the story of 1 in 8 mothers. The real story is that even one mother experiencing motherhood in the NICU is one to many. Please join the fight and fight for Preemies but also the mothers who weep when they hold their babies for the first time.
I am not alone in this fight. This is my story but please hear the voices of mothers who have a story of their own to tell.

7 comments:

Trish said...

more tears!
Thank you for sharing your story.

MoDBarb said...

Thank you for sharing your story about Little E. You are right...one baby (and mother) experiencing life in the NICU is one too may. Thank you or joining in the Fight for Preemies on Prematurity Awareness Day. Every voice counts. On behalf of the March of Dimes,I want to thank you for your participation and especially your courage. We are fighting everyday for babies like Little E...because they shouldn't have to fight.

Snickollet said...

Thank you for sharing your story. Your family has come a long way since the NICU days, but those memories are never gone.

wishinghopingpraying said...

Whta beautiful post, so honest and touching. I am so happy you and E are doing so well now an dthat fear has long gone.

seattlegirl said...

Tears flowing here...but look at that gorgeous baby now! Thanks for sharing this. Little E is lucky to have such awesome mommies:)

Carrie said...

This is a really touching post, thanks for writing it! It's heartbreaking that you and your family had to go through that. The NICU is a such a scary place.

K said...

Wow, thank you for sharing this powerful chapter of your story. We only went through a sliver of what you did, but it was enough to sensitize me to the terror of a sick newborn. I'm sorry that E had such a rough start, but what an amazing little girl she is to have overcome so much, and what amazing mommies she has to have walked with her every step of the way, even on the days it seemed too scary. Your family is clearly destined for greatness. :-) xo.