Saturday, November 7, 2009

That Mother

I was never been a germaphobe before now. I was going to be the Mom who didn't stress too much about germs. I was going to let my kid play in the dirt. I was going to be the Mom who let their child build up their immune system. I was going to be the Mom who didn't over use antibiotics, antibacterial soap and pure.ll. But I am so not that Mom now.

I wipe down the shopping cart twice at the store. I have purel.l in every room of my house. I wipe down everything with chloro.x wipes. I have left my house a grand total of 3 times this week to go some where other than walking the dog. Once to get Ella her RSV shot, once to get Shazam and my H1N1 shot, and once after a slight breakdown last night to BRU to pick up some supplies.

I worry about exposing Ella to germs since even the common cold which would cause a stuffy nose in a regular infant could cause Ella to be hospitalized or worse. While Ella does not have crappy lungs like many preemies she still has preemie lungs and they just aren't the same as regular lungs. Every runny nose and sneeze around Ella I view as a threat to her life. I don't like that I feel this way but I do. I feel like we didn't go through the hell of July, August and half of September to end back in the hospital. It just isn't worth it to me.

Part of this is because it is because of me that we are in this situation in the first place. I couldn't keep her safe in my body until she was ready to come out. It is the least I can do to keep her as healthy as possible now. I made her sick and small and vulnerable so I need to protect her as best I can.

I am trying to find balance, I am trying to be reasonable, I am trying not to piss too many people off. But I am scared. If something happens to Ella I just don't think I could deal with the additional guilt. This whole situation is my fault, it was my body that failed her once and I am trying like hell not to let my sweet beautiful daughter down again.

So yeah, I am that mother who over protects her daughter. I am that mother who doesn't want to be around sick people. I am that mother who wants to call the doctor about every little thing. I am that mother who wants you to wash your hands and use pur.ell before touching Ella. I am that mother who wants you to use it again every time you touch her. So yeah, I am that mother. I am working on it but be patient because being that mother is the only way I can be right now.


Anonymous said...

Oh SSG! You did not fail Ella. You did everything right. Sometimes the universe has other plans, but you did not make her small and sick. You are a wonderful mommy and doing everything you can to keep her healthy.I regularly clean the girls toys with rubbing alcohol and wipe down door handles etc. No one is allowed to wear shoes in the house either. Mommies do what they have to for their kids.I am sorry you are feeling this way. Big, huge hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

Oh this post made me cry. Little E is so lucky to have you as one of her moms. I hope that outside of the tough moments, you know that you have never failed her. In fact, I think it's just the opposite. I'm sorry you are going through a hard time right now. Little E is thriving because of YOU (and her other mom!)


Shazam said...

As the person that saw you on a daily basis, you did an AMAZING job making a healthy, safe "home" for our girl. You did everything right love and you continue to be an amazing mom. xoxo

Anonymous said...

SSG, I just wanted to echo the others in saying that hard as it may be, you can't blame yourself for what went wrong with your pregnancy. All the love and care from you and Shazam is what has gotten Ella to the amazing point she is at now - thriving and growing like a healthy little weed!!

I think you have every right in the world to be "that" mom right now. You are protecting your daughter from harm in any way you can, and that is called being a GREAT mom.

Snickollet said...

SSG, you did everything right. There's only so much you can control. You are taking such good care of E, you take such good care of yourself, and you are an amazing mom. You are the mom you are supposed to be, and you are the mom that Ella needs.

Shazam, while I'm here, I'll say that goes for you, too. You were an amazing support to SSG during her pregnancy and you are also an amazing mom to little E.

I miss you all.