That Mother

I was never been a germaphobe before now. I was going to be the Mom who didn't stress too much about germs. I was going to let my kid play in the dirt. I was going to be the Mom who let their child build up their immune system. I was going to be the Mom who didn't over use antibiotics, antibacterial soap and pure.ll. But I am so not that Mom now.

I wipe down the shopping cart twice at the store. I have purel.l in every room of my house. I wipe down everything with chloro.x wipes. I have left my house a grand total of 3 times this week to go some where other than walking the dog. Once to get Ella her RSV shot, once to get Shazam and my H1N1 shot, and once after a slight breakdown last night to BRU to pick up some supplies.

I worry about exposing Ella to germs since even the common cold which would cause a stuffy nose in a regular infant could cause Ella to be hospitalized or worse. While Ella does not have crappy lungs like many preemies she still has preemie lungs and they just aren't the same as regular lungs. Every runny nose and sneeze around Ella I view as a threat to her life. I don't like that I feel this way but I do. I feel like we didn't go through the hell of July, August and half of September to end back in the hospital. It just isn't worth it to me.

Part of this is because it is because of me that we are in this situation in the first place. I couldn't keep her safe in my body until she was ready to come out. It is the least I can do to keep her as healthy as possible now. I made her sick and small and vulnerable so I need to protect her as best I can.

I am trying to find balance, I am trying to be reasonable, I am trying not to piss too many people off. But I am scared. If something happens to Ella I just don't think I could deal with the additional guilt. This whole situation is my fault, it was my body that failed her once and I am trying like hell not to let my sweet beautiful daughter down again.

So yeah, I am that mother who over protects her daughter. I am that mother who doesn't want to be around sick people. I am that mother who wants to call the doctor about every little thing. I am that mother who wants you to wash your hands and use pur.ell before touching Ella. I am that mother who wants you to use it again every time you touch her. So yeah, I am that mother. I am working on it but be patient because being that mother is the only way I can be right now.